Ian Napier

A Troubled University Student Facing The Real World

1 November, 2009 · Leave a Comment

I stretched

I drank

I had changed my brain chemistry

And I received judgment from someone that mattered to me

.

. . . . then I carried out my punishment

.

What is going on in there?

What has been going on in there?

This is out of character. Why so hasty? Why so vehement?

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What were you trying to say?

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Or did all those factors just confuse you too much?

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Did you do it to spite her?

Or just to react?

—- Okay; so you’ll stay sober for a couple weeks, you’ll let your mind’s chemistry get regulated, you’ll get back on your scholastic track, and you will be fine —- but what were you trying to do?

.

You haven’t been dysphoric, you have never gone through a cycle so rapidly? You bounced back immediately, implying that this arm cutting wasn’t in anguish but was to communicate something that I haven’t been listening to; what am I trying to say to myself? What are you trying to say ian?

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How have I been overly reckless recently? What have I been neglecting so much that I respond to myself with such a strong statement!?

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Or is it just the switching of three different drug regiments within four weeks? – That was an incredibly stupid thing to do.

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I haven’t been feeling malicious, so I don’t think I was just trying to sabotage myself.

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I haven’t even been unhappy —- but I have been troubled recently —- frustrated —- uncertain of something —- what is it?

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Erica? —- that isn’t very serious though —- though I actually do like this one —- which is new for me —- but this wouldn’t be anything more than a minor character

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Is it this terrifying future that is piling toward me like that freight train that people talk about = next year —- a real life that I need to be suited for —- a real job with a complete set of responsibilities —- a need to be a real person whom is able —- able to be a prudent thinker – a responsible citizen – active in the community – moral in action – hopeful in thought and word – charming – thoughtful – easy going – desirable – both to women and to employers —- I have to find someone that would hire me, and then get them to actually hire me —- and this very real future is coming at me fast —- WILL I BE READY!!!??? HOW WILL I BE READY!!!??? I NEED TO READY MYSELF!!!! —- And that is where my stomach knots up into a ball the size of Madagascar, I start to perspire, I start breathing heavier, and I know I won’t be able to be that “ready” guy!!!! ——– I think I found the main character —- This spot light actor, supported by my cavalier-ity with brain chemistry, a couple drinks of alcohol, a slightly cavalier stretching of my life-schedule, and a poorly communicated conversation with someone that means something more to me than little.

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I am afraid of next year – I need to be ready for next year – As ready as I can be – I need to not neglect this paramount cog!

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Will I be ready? How will I be ready? What do I need to do to ready myself, and still live a life worth living now? —- Do this, and you will be at peace

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Augustine, Sin and Grace

26 September, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Augustine, Sin and Grace

The history of Christianity began with what the Roman Empire considered to be a sect of Judaism whom followed the yoke of a radical rabbi in the first century CE; he bore the name Jesus of Nazareth. Within the following centuries Christianity quickly gained members and momentum; especially with the help of Simon-Peter’s and Paul of Tarsus’ work throughout the Roman Empire in the first century. As the Jesus movement/Christianity/Catholicism snowballed, it, of course, needed its practice and doctrine to be solidified. Thanks to the strong legalistic tone of the Roman Empire, the apologists, the Gnostics, and the worship practices (and, convincingly, what was among all other aspects of the socio-cultural environment) that had already naturally developed within the first few centuries, the solidification of official practice and doctrine, somewhat, naturally came to. Christianity grew to be such a potent religion within the Roman Empire that it tenably shifted the status quo of the whole Roman Empire over to its side. Discernibly, with this move a tsunami of political officials and acumen of intellect converted to Christianity. Of these acumen of intellect was Augustine of Hippo.

Augustine, a child of Thagaste (today known as Souk Ahras, Algeria) in Northern Africa, was born in 354 CE to a Christian mother (Monica) and a non-Christian father (Patrick).[1] Patrick was apparently not too bad off (fiscally), for Patrick was able to procure a stimulating education for Augustine. As Augustine’s intellect grew he found himself becoming a master of language, presumably destined to teach ambitious and wealthy prospectors of politics how to speak well; and presumably to achieve status, wealth, and power himself. He of course pursued this auspicious path. But as these things seem to go, the path did not prove to be as auspicious as hoped for. One could even parallel, quite accurately, the thematic theatricals of Augustine’s autobiographical memoirs contained within the first parts of his Confessions to that of Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilych; Augustine lived a life in want, in despair, unhappy, self-centered and lost. At least, this is the life he seemed to be enduring up until his dramatic (and I dare say, according to his description of the event, ostentatious) conversion to Catholicism.[2] Augustine seemed not to hold the status catechumen for long; his undertaking of the Catholic faith was quickly and ardently adopted. I dare propose, as Augustine’s residue of his Catholic life had been arguably the most influential to the development of the Church from his time until the Reformation, that Augustine’s ideas were but the center that theological development circumvent(ed/s). Today he has been dubbed the “Doctor of Grace.”

It has been written that “Augustine is known as the ‘Doctor of Grace’ for his profound emphasis on God’s grace in the justification of the sinner.”[3] The sinner is what I will flirt with first.

Augustine understands all people to be sinners (id est; after “the fall of man”). Sinners, as our human nature is flawed. Ideally for humans, reason would govern the will, and the will would govern appetite. Unfortunately, according to Augustine, under human’s natural condition; the appetite governs the will, and the will governs reason. We are consequently sufferers of cupiditas (id est; allured toward self-gratification) and concupiscence (id est; anarchic and lawless over one’s self), we each are divided (id est; at war with our self), and we each are weighed down (id est; depraved of our true needs). Augustine supplies apology for the understanding of the naturally flawed human condition in his work Confessions.[4] But, where then is there hope? There is hope in the human nature as it could be if telos is achieved. This human nature is described with four counter-attributes: caritas – action taken with reverence to God; continence – obtaining self-control; integrated self – a self free of complete, utter war; and weaned affections – being able to establish a proper set of priorities. How does one obtain proper telos?[5]

Grace. Augustine gave reverence to the Church and to the actions of sacraments. To him, the Church is the interpreter of the Bible; to him, the Church acts as mediator between human being and God; to him, the Church, as mediator and interpreter, can act as the conduit of grace within the regular participation in sacraments, and within communication with the priest. It has been professed that Augustine’s desires were not annulled with his conversion. Rather, his basic approach to ethics has been summed up as this: “Love God and do what you will; for if you love God, what will you do?” Though his Confessions are flooded with a focus on his individual relationship with God, it has been professed to me that he did not believe that a human being could achieve grace without the Church; the Church is paramount to human nature.[6]

In personal response to this viewpoint of sin and grace do I continue:

Throughout Confessions, what I have read from Dowley’s History of Christianity, and Dr Merle Strege’s lectures, I have understood Augustine’s theology to be a longwinded and bewildering theology. I presume I can blame my bewilderment on my odd mix of sources pertaining to Augustine’s understanding of sin and grace. But without adieu, I do continue.

The one source that I must give the gold medal of credence to is the rather primary source, Confessions. Yet, Confessions does not considerably deal with Augustine’s concept of sin and grace as much as it deals with his personal experience of sin and grace and subsequent basal theological development following his conversion. From this book I came to understand Augustine as having a markedly blameworthy self-understanding, with a very individual understanding of relation with God. He mentioned the importance of neighbors, but tended to focus much more attention on his perception of his neighbors; rather, keeping himself checked and sober from prideful thought. He seemed to focus on as many idiosyncratic instances as he could muster up of his personally lost foci on God, even to the point that he confesses sin at being suddenly and surprisingly fascinated by a lizard’s hunt rather than keeping ogled on God. It is not at all that I was absent of recognition toward the intrinsic value of his work, I express my view as I have for I was dumbfounded, I had not expected to had read what I had read. I found his self-discipline to be dutiful, his maintenance of humility opposed to pride as reverential; but I was disappointed at what seemed to be a continuation of fragrant self-centeredness from pre-conversion through and past to post-conversion, and I was stupefied to find little reference to the importance of the Church, sacraments, and priests. So I stepped up the credence due Dr Stege’s lectures and incorporated the information from one with the other.

–Before I continue with further contesting I wanted to give one last credence: I found great hope in Books VII, VIII and the last half of X. Within these sections I was pleased to find Augustine dissecting his soul, psyche, appetite and will. He mentioned here the importance of knowing oneself; that one cannot be in proper relation with God without knowing oneself. I also was pleased to hear that he believed it impossible to completely know oneself, and thus impossible to be in perfect relation with God; but that it is our duty to search, understand and control one’s self as much as possible. I found great virtue in this, and received a broader understood of it in combining information with Dr Strege’s lectures.

Continuance: I wrote this short essay after just finished reading Augustine’s Confessions and reviewing the notes that I had taken over Dr Merle Strege’s lectures on Augustine. But before these two particular studies I was enthralled in the writings of a Dr Theodore W. Jennings, a doctoral professor for the Chicago Theological Seminary. Ironically, what I had read was entitled Reconstructing the Doctrine of Sin. To this writing I will be referring to in critique of my current understanding of theology from Augustine.

In contrast to my current understanding of theology from Augustine is very much my understanding of theology from Jennings. Augustine’s importance of the religious order, of the Church, sacraments, priests and etcetera is dangerously close to an unhealthy fetishizing of religiosity. This undertaking flirts with employment as Pharisee, ignoring a neighbor in need so as to keep religious tradition. Further, Augustine’s focus on the individual’s sin can easily blind the individual from what they have been called for, especially if personal sin is searched with the vigor that Augustine seemed to search with as illustrated in Confessions. More particularly, what would be scarily easy to loose sight of are the questions that one should arguably continually ask themselves: How can I help? Which is the least of these? How can I help? Who is being overlooked? How can I help? Jennings makes certain to write: “Our relation to God is determined by our relation to brother, sister, neighbor, the least of these…. YHWH does not require sacrifice, Sabbath or fasting but justice for the poor, the widow, the orphan, the immigrant and all who are vulnerable to the rapacity of the powerful and prosperous…on this view then sin consists in what is done to the neighbor; it refers to the affliction and humiliation of the most vulnerable in our midst.”[7]

Understandably; Augustine’s viewpoint was incredibly supplemental to Church growth in his time period. His focus on personal control, understanding and growth and the importance he puts into sacraments and the church supplied the Christians of the first millennia with a sound ideological path to take up. My previous argument is to counter some of what could occur if balance of undertakings is not focused on. In a colloquial way, I am playing devil’s advocate so as to bring grace to all, glory to God, and harmony and heaven to Earth.


[1] Saint Augustine. Oxford World Classics: Confessions. Trans. By Henry Chadwick. Oxford. Oxford University Press. 1991. p. xiii.

[2] Ibid. VIII. Xi (27)-VIII. Xii (30) “Pick Up and Read”

[3] Doctor Merle Strege Phd. Of the Religious Studies Dept. Anderson University

[4] Augustine. Books I-VII

[5] Doctor Merle Strege Phd. Lectures given on 16 and 17 of September, 2009

[6] Ibid. Lecture given on 17 of September, 2009

[7] Dr Jennings article Reconstructing the Doctrine of Sin was given to me by one of his current students. I am not certain where this article has been published or even if it has been published. However, Dr Jennings is a well authored professor with numerous books to supplement theological growth, do feel free to dive in.

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An open letter to Sallie Mae

16 September, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Dear Sallie;

I am very frustrated with the “economic” norm that has become of this culture; marginalizing and subjugating the “lower” classes that are filled with people that contribute a tenably equivalent amount to society as the “top ten percent” do – BUT are inhibited by you and institutions of your kind, by that very “top ten percent” that I speak of… inhibited from breaking loose of these inhumane binds that you and that ten percent have sentenced me and my kin to! —That being said; I have experienced the learned helplessness that Milgrim taught his depressed and lethargic dogs.– Yes; you have won. You have won you contemporary Hitlers of the world; you Maos! you slave drivers! you despots! heretics! you lost and lonely dark corners of the world! The true criminals! Yes; you have won today. You have won with this “Smart Option Student Loan” — but I prophess to you: It shall not be long – your day too shall come – justice – righteousness – the table is always turning – you will one day too be free from your evil binds – you will see the light and finally be happy – of course you will not have money and will be the contemporary slave to the neo-culture in which you will be a part. But alas quand les poules auront des dents….

 

With that I regress: I am sure you will do what you believe to be right; and I will be one of your subjects, waiting for the results. As Sallie Mae has done this for over 30 years, I assume she will continue to do her “best”. So you keep on poking and prodding! Do your best! And try to find peace in all you do! — But with personal note I ask you to remember that these are people that you affect, just like your family members and friends; people that are just trying to make it in the world, people just like you. With that tid bit always in the back of your mind; I trust you will do quite a fine job.

 

I do hope the extravagantly invective, incriminating voice was not taken too much to heart; it was meant as artistically rhetorical expression to bring the point home. I sincerely do trust that you, as a human being, are a fine and respectful person; the “you” that I refer to is meant to express a feeling of immense victimization felt by the subject of the contemporary economic situation that your employer is a major cog of. “You” is not referring to you singularly or personally.

 

In Peace; for you, and all others.

a lowly client

 

I just sent this to Sallie following her inquisition for my opinion of her “Smart Option Student Loan” – this was following her rejection of my loan application - A sliver of me regrets sending this annotated hot air.

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