I stretched
I drank
I had changed my brain chemistry
And I received judgment from someone that mattered to me
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. . . . then I carried out my punishment
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What is going on in there?
What has been going on in there?
This is out of character. Why so hasty? Why so vehement?
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What were you trying to say?
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Or did all those factors just confuse you too much?
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Did you do it to spite her?
Or just to react?
—- Okay; so you’ll stay sober for a couple weeks, you’ll let your mind’s chemistry get regulated, you’ll get back on your scholastic track, and you will be fine —- but what were you trying to do?
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You haven’t been dysphoric, you have never gone through a cycle so rapidly? You bounced back immediately, implying that this arm cutting wasn’t in anguish but was to communicate something that I haven’t been listening to; what am I trying to say to myself? What are you trying to say ian?
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How have I been overly reckless recently? What have I been neglecting so much that I respond to myself with such a strong statement!?
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Or is it just the switching of three different drug regiments within four weeks? – That was an incredibly stupid thing to do.
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I haven’t been feeling malicious, so I don’t think I was just trying to sabotage myself.
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I haven’t even been unhappy —- but I have been troubled recently —- frustrated —- uncertain of something —- what is it?
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Erica? —- that isn’t very serious though —- though I actually do like this one —- which is new for me —- but this wouldn’t be anything more than a minor character
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Is it this terrifying future that is piling toward me like that freight train that people talk about = next year —- a real life that I need to be suited for —- a real job with a complete set of responsibilities —- a need to be a real person whom is able —- able to be a prudent thinker – a responsible citizen – active in the community – moral in action – hopeful in thought and word – charming – thoughtful – easy going – desirable – both to women and to employers —- I have to find someone that would hire me, and then get them to actually hire me —- and this very real future is coming at me fast —- WILL I BE READY!!!??? HOW WILL I BE READY!!!??? I NEED TO READY MYSELF!!!! —- And that is where my stomach knots up into a ball the size of Madagascar, I start to perspire, I start breathing heavier, and I know I won’t be able to be that “ready” guy!!!! ——– I think I found the main character —- This spot light actor, supported by my cavalier-ity with brain chemistry, a couple drinks of alcohol, a slightly cavalier stretching of my life-schedule, and a poorly communicated conversation with someone that means something more to me than little.
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I am afraid of next year – I need to be ready for next year – As ready as I can be – I need to not neglect this paramount cog!
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Will I be ready? How will I be ready? What do I need to do to ready myself, and still live a life worth living now? —- Do this, and you will be at peace
